Why Do Catholics Leave the Church?

The pastor of my parish prays for lapsed Catholics every Sunday at Mass. Certainly, we need to pray for them. This is a serious matter and deserves our prayers seeking God’s grace to have them return to the Church. That begs the question, “Why do Catholics leave the Church?”

The Pew Research Center cited some reasons in 2009.  Dissatisfaction with Catholic teachings about abortion and homosexuality and dissatisfaction with church teachings about birth control were some reasons for leaving the Catholic Church. For some it was just Church teachings in general.

In a video from 2012, Bishop Robert Barron talked about exit surveys done by the Diocese of Trenton, New Jersey, to find out why people had left the Church. In addition to the Pew findings were issues with Gay marriage and some more mundane reasons such as bad customer relations; being treated poorly by church staff and leaders; pastors being arrogant and aloof. One complained about having left the parish and nobody bothered to find out why he wasn’t at Mass anymore.

The reasons that deal with moral teachings of the Church are generally beyond the purview of the local Bishop let alone the parish pastor. However, the reasons I have labeled as mundane are issues that can be addressed in the parish. To the people who think they need to leave the Church these are not mundane. They probably are the result of thoughtless people. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be addressed. However, I have no control over what other people do. The only one I have have control over is myself. That is what I am going to focus on in this essay. How I, or anyone else, should respond to a hurt caused by a priest or anyone in a position of responsibility in a parish or diocese.

My Story

I was a senior in high school when I first encountered someone who had left the Church. I had relatives who might have missed Mass on occasions, but I hadn’t met someone who had stopped going for a specific reason.

In 1970 I had the privilege of playing in the California All State Honor Band in Riverside, California. Musicians from all over California auditioned to play. I lived in Northern California so I stayed with a family in Riverside for several days of rehearsals and then a concert. Students were housed with people of the same religious preference as a weekend was involved. I was staying with a Catholic family.

On Sunday the father of the family took me to Mass. Before we went, he sat down with me in the kitchen and explained the family did not attend Mass because of his wife’s  use of oral contraceptives.

TMI. Way too much information. All I could do was pray for them.

How about people who don’t go to Mass for some of the more mundane reasons? I know many who have used the excuse Fr. So-And-So offended me twenty years ago or some other such reason. If I quit the Church because a priest offended me I would have left thirty years ago.

About that long ago the pastor of my parish asked me to attend a presentation the Archdiocese of San Francisco was giving at a local parish on how to start a parish pastoral council. A speaker from the Oakland diocese would be sharing ideas on how it was implemented in that diocese.

I was rather honored by the request. I had been involved with adult faith formation in the parish as well as coordinating an Archdiocesan program for the parish.

I drove to the meeting and looked for my pastor and another man I knew who would be with him. I didn’t see them so I took a seat toward the front of the gathering. Auxiliary Bishop Carlos Sevilla, S.J. was there and made an introduction.

After an hour or so there was a break. I was sitting a few rows behind the bishop. He stood up and walked back toward me with his hand outstretched to shake mine while he introduced himself. I took his hand and started to speak when I heard a voice say, “There you are. I waited for you to meet us at the rectory and you never showed up.” It was my pastor. I tried to deflect his comments while turning back to the bishop. The bishop had walked away.

I was embarrassed and enraged. I stormed to the other man who had come with my pastor and told him what had happened. He said, “Oh, ignore it. I was late. He was upset with me.”

I stayed for the rest of the presentation expecting to be able to help form a pastoral council.

I waited to hear from Father to get together about forming a council. After Mass a couple of weeks later I asked Father when we were going to meet? He just gave me a noncommittal response. A couple of weeks later I asked him again when we were going to meet to discuss forming a council. He told me, “We’ll have a council when I want a council and then I’ll appoint it!”

End of discussion.

I realized Father only wanted the bishop to see him at the meeting with some other people from his parish. I was being used. First, to make it look like he was serious about forming a council, and second, as a scapegoat for his being late.

What he had done really started eating at me. Other little things he would do only added to my anger and discontent. I realized I was beginning to hate my pastor.

We had a retired priest in residence. I went to him in the rectory to go to confession. I told him about what had occurred and that I was starting to hate the pastor. I told him I waived the seal of the confessional so he could talk to Father about this. He told me he lived there at the pastor’s will. In effect he was letting me know he was not comfortable bringing this up with the pastor. I understood.

I decided to go to my pastor and let him know how I felt. I met him in his office. He expressed some words of apology. Then he asked a favor of me. He had heard a woman in our parish was upset with him and asked me to ask her to contact him.

He couldn’t even humble himself to go to her.

My hatred dissipated. I realized my pastor was a man to be pitied. Pride appeared to be a major issue for him. That’s not for me to try and change, or judge. I prayed for him then and I continue to pray for him after his death.

Why should I leave the Church because of something he did to me? That would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face as my mother would have said.

Yet this is what people will do.

I cannot think of any acceptable reason to leave the Church. Issues with Church teachings on sex, contraception, homosexuality, abortion, the priesthood, etc., cannot be changed. The Church holds these truths as having been revealed by God and cannot change them. If one has a problem with a teaching he or she should seek an explanation from a competent authority and pray for understanding and acceptance.

Problems with a priest, such as mine, or teacher, staff member and the like, should be dealt with in a manner appropriate to the situation. Generally, I’d say, prayer should play a central part in the resolution.

What happens when you leave the Church? Is God going to change His law because we find it difficult to accept? Does a temper tantrum like action of leaving the Church because father hurt your feelings, or some other member of the staff failed you, make things better? It might satisfy you for a while, but at what cost?

We are all sinners. That includes priests, bishops, even popes. The saints in heaven, except Mary, were all sinners. Because I am a sinner, and I know I am a sinner, I know I need God’s grace to live my life. Life is hard enough to live with God’s grace. I can’t imagine what it must be like to try and live my life separated from His grace. Yet that is what happens when we leave His Church.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church calls seven sins deadly. They are, pride, avarice, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony and sloth or acedia. [CCC 1866]

Look at what was happening to me because of how I was treated by my pastor. Did any of the deadly sins apply to me? Well, I’d say first my pride was hurt. I was humiliated in front of Bishop Sevilla. This led to me being angry with Father. My hurt pride and my anger were changing to hate. Left unchallenged it could have led to wrath. Not wrath directed at Father. Wrath directed at Jesus and my own soul.

I think pride leading to wrath would have been pretty deadly for me.

Had I left the Church I would be turning my back on Jesus. I would be refusing the love He shares with me. I would be cutting myself off from the Bread of Life, the food He told us will give us life everlasting. I would be cutting myself off from all of the sanctifying graces received in the sacraments. By not going to Mass I would be cutting myself off from the actual graces we receive just by being there that would work to motivate me to forgive Father and go to confession, if I needed that (which I thought I did), and to return to receiving communion.

I would be cooperating with the evil one to kill my soul.

Matthew 10:28

²⁸And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

So what should you do if you know someone has left the Church? The first thing is to pray for them. If it is a family member let them know you love them and will always love them. If you can, try to talk to them. If you think their reason for leaving is due to a sin or if they tell you it is because of something sinful, encourage them to speak to a priest. If they refuse your suggestions continue to pray for them.

Remember, God loves them infinitely more than you do. Ask Him, beg Him, to shower His grace upon them. Maybe make a sacrifice of your own for their intention.

And again, PRAY.

 

 

Greg Gillen

September 18, 2024

© 2024 Greg Gillen

Image Credit/Britannica, T. Editors of Encyclopaedia. “St. Peter’s Basilica.” Encyclopedia Britannica, September 13, 2024. https://www.britannica.com/topic/Saint-Peters-Basilica

Scripture/Revised Standard Version Second Catholic Edition

Leaving Catholicism/www.pewresearch.org/religion/2009/04/27/faith-in-flux3/

Bishop Barron on Why Catholics Leave the Church/www.youtube.com/watch?v=dftZ5K_EA4s